Fear

I’ve come to the realization, that up until now, I’ve lived with very little fear in my life. Certainly I’ve been afraid of losing the people I care about. And when I have lost them for periods of time , I have suffered through deep periods of grief. But fear has never been a big part of my life.

It seems like Lavonte with his compulsions was the introduction of this kind of lingering fear. He made me—he made me kill myself. I acted with barely a thought, only able to influence my actions at the last moment so I went for a wrist instead of my throat. That’s the first time I’ve ever died. Staring at those words on the page, I still can feel the numbness in my limbs.

I fear this lingering compulsion Lavonte has left on me. I fear what it can make me do, I fear how it might hurt Dominic and Jakob and I fear it may lead to a child I should not have. I am so thankful that Jakob figured out what happened, despite everything that followed and his anger of that discovery, I need help. Jakob, god he was so livid. He choked me, leaving dark impressions of his hands around my neck. He’s never been that rough with me before and it frightens me, what roads we may travel in the future. Then being taken to Stefan’s and forced to watch Jakob with Lucien… I still shutter thinking about it and can taste the fear in my mouth. Jakob wanted to do everything he did to Lucien to me instead. Only now can I understand my grandmother’s motivation in the spell she had cast on me. And now that’s its gone, I wish for the safety it brought back.

To suffer as Lucien suffers, it is an unavoidable part of my future. The whole experience made me realize that I need to prepare myself and to teach myself to not convey that pain to anyone. Jakob, he thinks I didn’t understand before all this. And I didn’t, not fully in the same way as I do now. But he also doesn’t understand that I’ve structured my world in a certain way because that’s how I need it to be. I’ve pieced together what’s left of my innocence and clung onto it. Because I need it to make this all ok, and bearable. I need the mindless distraction that fashion brings me and to lie to myself that I am not afraid. I don’t have the tools to handle having everything ripped away from me all at once.

And still through all of this, I need to find a way to deal with this burning need for Dominic, the undeniable craving to feel flesh to flesh. Jakob will help, but sometimes I lack the words to ask. I hope he doesn’t leave me to suffer alone again, I need something to cling onto to distract my mind. At least now my throat is healed enough that I can go out when I need to, when I can’t fight it any longer.

This whole situation was really good for her, well you know what I mean. It caused her to develop a little bit more as an adult woman. It is interesting that she misses the spell she had previously.. I think for a bit if Jakub has a rut he will go to Lucian, but if it ever ends up beign her not sure what will go down..

Hence why she is practicing on herself so that she can take it

the cutting. we will have to figure out a way for her not to heal. The other thing is Jakub would start to notice her multiple healings soon. There is so much going on that he hasn't paid attention to it, ands she hasn't done it a lot yet.. but the more she does it the likelier it is he will discover it.

She'd start small with just light cuts, but quickly move onto deeper ones, because she is learning to not allow jokob or dominic to sense any of the pain she might feel from it. I see jakob confronting her at somepoint but then either assisting her or just letting her keep doing it. Oh on a total side note, even jakob went off the total deep end eith her, Stefan has healing spells on Gwynn as well so Jakob wouldn't be able to kill her

Oh I am sure he does. Stefan want the investment of Gwyn to be well in the end for Jakub and himself. Yeah.. I am not sure how he would react.. I think it depends on her mood when he catches her, or how bad she gets with it. But interesting!!

haha realy you think he'd possibly be upset? certainly anyone else will. Although sydney might get it best really, and understand how gwynn feels she needs to be prepared

God.. her and Sydney are both cutters, or well Sydney is now in a place where she craves it. She and Gwyn talking about this may be good for Gwyn.. no Sydney does not have as twisted of a man, but Davar in and of himself is a piece of work.. and sleeps with others to take out his darker urges at times.. I think Gwyn doing this alone will be more detrimental to her in the end..

probably, but she wouldn't reach out to someone about it. She also doesn't want people to hold it against jakob

Man, our women stick up for men who are so abusive to them. But I can see her doing that, I think the immediate reaction from everyone outside of Jakub would be 'it is his fault, she is doing it because of him.' or 'he is making her do it'

exactly that is what everything would think. gah sometimes the girls should just feed thier men to the wolves