Fear, Forgetting and Forgiveness

Fear. Nervousness. Shock. Abandon. The list can go on in an attempt to describe my life now. It feels more like the fucking Twilight Zone than my life.. though I don't really know what my life is like.I have gained more insight into who I am in the past few days then I ever would have hoped to accomplish. I had a family member literally appear in my room with humungous..God.. if anyone finds this journal I will be fucking interned in a mental place.. but.. huge bat wings and a word that.. well there are just no words. Needless to say i was fucking freaky as hell.

The situation went from bad to livable as I found out that.. well there are just some thins about my family I will never hope to grasp in this lifetime. Needless to say this Davar seems like a decent guy.. a little clingy.. and very injured. I don;t know how or why but..I can just tell by looking at him. Holding him in my bed felt like holding Roslyn after her bastard of a boyfriend tears her heart to shreds.

I can honestly say that I am afraid. The more I see of these people in my family..the worse my dreams have been getting. I had a terrible dream the other night.. I remember laying in a field of wheat and a soft whisper of laughter in my ear, blonde hair trailing down my shoulder as a woman rested her head there. But.. when I tried to see her face, all I saw was blood, blood and gore.. and I could hear my screams.. I sit up and run away.. trying to leave the field but the growth just gets thicker, churning around my legs until I am trapped. I turn and ... almost see a person behind me.. a gentle figure shrouded in a soft delicate gown, her golden hair falling over her bloodied shoulders.. blue eyes staring accusingly at me, arm outstretched as I keep screaming.

I always wake up feeling..empty.. like there should be more fear lingering.. but I can never seem to remember it. Davar told me I.. was injured.. that something horrible happened to me. There are times I.. that I hope I never remember.. that I can try to live a peaceful life. But. I don't know if I can even be afforded that option anymore. I don't want to lose to this.. to this encroachment on my life. I have school .. i am an RA.. hell I would even maybe like to get a girlfriend. I just.. how am I supposed to live knowing that I come from family that isn't human? When I am most likely probably not human myself... ?

It is honestly a lot to process, and I wish I had someone to help me.. but I feel like all I am doing lately is helping others. Perhpas it is the best way, throw myself into others lives while I slowly try to process my own. All I can do now is wait. and pray that the nightmares I see at night are not memories begging for release.. I would rather sit and drink beer with Davar, have dinner with my father.. and just.. live a normal life.