Stardate 2037.01.22

Time. It is a force which many feel incapable of fighting against. I have tried, and been defeated too many time to count. Syn has been attempting to wriggle his way around the mechanisms of time itself..but I have little faith that he shall succeed...at least in a way that will make him joyous over the results.

I look at my life now, a man in my early thirties..approaching 32 in a few months..I see my beautiful wife I see the swelling of her belly, the unborn child residing within her womb, and I look back at my life..and try to see what I have done, what has brought me to this utmost moment of happiness.

My childhood was glorious for the few short years that I was allowed to live freely. Educated to the highest standards, a lover of peace, and a true older brother to my younger sister Relena. This was short lived as the war with the Earth Sphere Alliance grew to unimaginable proportions, taking my entire life down in flames. My parents were murdered, my younger sister and I separated, and I left for dead..I never speak of it..but I truly feel as if I died in that fire. Milliardo Peacecraft, that young bright boy with a thirst for peace and knowledge vanished in those flames to be reborn through the phoenix transformation into the man of my youth.

I lived life in the shadows, dropping my pretense of peace and harmony to avenge my homeland lost, to protect my sister who, throughout her life has held steadfast to the idea of peace in the purest form it can take: nonviolence and pacifism. I became the best pilot anyone had seen in generations, "The Lightening Count", true to my namesake I moved and changed so fast that I hardly ever knew who I truly was anymore. Love was nonexistent, it was mere drive and fury that enabled me to survive as Zechs Marquise.

Even when reunited with Relena, I had died..I could never be the brother she remembered, the brother she needed, the brother she could love. I battled the young gundam pilots of the age, prodigies in their own right. Each with a life torn asunder like my own, fighting their own internal wars as pogs in the mechanisms of greedy and power hungry men. Treize and I became friends, or the closest thing I could count as a friend.

When I destroyed the Libra station, I died yet again..leaving behind the bitter and driven man of my youth leaving The Lightening Count behind to merely become Zechs Marquise. Living an anonymous life with a woman he had fallen in love with. Lucriezia.. I still love her so deeply and utterly with every fiber of my being. No woman can hope to replace her..and Tessa. So young..so unencumbered by her past, a woman of intellect and passion, living life for the sake of living it by her own moral code and desires. Maybe that is what drew me to her.

But..Tessa is far from the new Zechs Marquise's life.. I was still in love with Lucrezia..and with great joy we had a child together. Jeremiah..Jeremy..I will never forget the moment he opened his violet blue eyes to gaze at me from his mother's arms. Miliardo..The Lightening Count, they were washed away with a single smile from my son. But as months turned to years, the quietness of my heart became an empty place.. the deep caverns and scars left in my soul from years of anger, passion, drive and deliberate attempts at changing the face of my world could not be filled..no matter how much love my son and wife showed me. I was too young to know when to relinquish the past..

I ran from my own life, burying myself in military work in an attempt to bridge the splintering parts of my psyche together. It was a futile attempt that only made my wife come to hate me so much that she would abandon me..and her only son who was a pure innocent in all of this. Fearing the loss of Jeremiah..I simply disregarded him, feeling that the farther I was from the father I had become, the less it would hurt when he left me. He chased me to his own bitter end, diving as deep into military life as I had..only to suddenly vanish in a helicopter accident..leaving me truly alone.

I dedicated my life to finding him, and after years of research and gambles, I eventually traversed to the time period where my son lived. Here I reestablished my life.. watching him from afar as he drowned in the intricacies of District life. I contacted Lucrezia, who was surprised to see me as I was in her timeline..she a woman now 35 years of age. My son..so bitter..he can never call me a father..nor accept the life I have chosen for myself as the man I am today. Does he ever look back on his life like I do? And ponder at the magic of the passage of time..a force which cannot be beaten..which will continue to drive itself forward in the face of any adversary?

I see my chance to live again..as the man I should have been for Jeremiah. I am in love with Tessa.. have lived a calm life of family, social circles and military work. I can leave my work behind to return home to eat some of Tessa's attempts at soup, I can hold her in my arms and run my hands over her abdomen, feeling the wriggles of our child..a child who I do not want to abandon. Lucrezia and Jeremiah..Treize..the past of my military life as a mass murder..these things still weigh on me. I have sacrificed everything I have ever been to achieve this point in my life.. and I refuse to release it for the sake of anyone else.

I am not a young man with a vendetta, the pilots have grown and have children of their own, grandchildren even. There is no war to fight.. the Sanc Kingdom has long since been forgotten, Relena has kept her distance form me..Lucrezia refuses contact.. the past is shutting itself away from me. I want to show my wife, to show my child the joys of what it is to be alive. I have learned far too often how precious life is..what it is like to lose everything you have..everything you are. I do not want that for my family. I want Jeremy to be a brother..but I will not force him. I want him to get along with Tessa..but I cannot force him. I understand all too well his bitterness.

And now..I settle down in my bed, Tessa sleeps soundly beside me.. but every night..my eyes dart to the small box in my room.. nondescript and dark wood. Resting inside is an old painting of my family, saved from the Sanc Kingdom.. my battered silver mask..a rose dried from the gardens of Zechs, a ribbon with a lock of Relena's hair, a locket given to me by Lucrezia..and a small red airplane..stolen from the closet of my little boy. All parts of me that will remain locked away... Goodnight to you..computer who has no judgements of my thoughts in this log. I hope one day.. I can write words as a proud father, watching my grandchildren grow in a peaceful world without ever knowing the pain of life lost.

ooo avery interesting and reflective piece. We do need to do more with them. Maybe we should brainstorm a to do list