Stardate: 2036.1.24

How long has it been since I have written more in this than about my daily routine? Or the workings with Syn and Treize? I have had nothing to write about.. or maybe I just forced myself to ignore the pangings in my chest and the words trying to force themselves out.

I met Tessa and Jeremy within a span of days. I..I do not think my heart was ready for that. Seeing my son after years of fear, worry, dread and guilt brought so much pain to the surface once more.. and thoughts of Lucrecia. Lucrecia.. if only you could see your son now. He looks so much like you with his determined eyes that seem to seek out your very soul when he gazes at you. But, like me.. his eyes are withdrawn, weary.. as if he has seen and heard too much in his life.

And to think Tessa knew of him.. though she seems to hold him in a somewhat lower regard. It was surreal to see Tessa as a young woman.. no longer the gangling child who followed me at my feet and looked at me with pure innocent admiration and need. I was hard put to even speak to her at first, for she seemed like such a different person from the young girl who left her family all those years ago.

I don't know if it was the need to have a connection from my past to my present, or the desire I have to protect that girl from all harm, but I proposed to her. Me.. a thirty year old proposing to a young girl who could be my little sister. But, it isn't love that drives me.. something deeper. I just.. want her to be happy. And I truly was happy with her when she was younger. Without Lucrecia and Jeremy.. I was truly alone. She was the only things in my life worth living for. She was like a daughter to me.. someone who I could love and who would not hurt or leave me.

Seeing her now.. a woman in her prime, strong and in the military.. it has made me think about myself and how I have lived my life.. and how I viewed her. Will she accept my proposal..? I am not sure. And if she does.. what in the world will I do?

There is just too much to think a=on at this moment.. and for now I must focus on finding Treize and finishing our dealings with Syn. Jeremy and Tessa will have to wait.

haha I know I don't know if she will accept but I really want her too. I leaning towards making a high society reason she has to marry him... any ideas?

hm... as she will have to inherit her family name.. she cannot abandon it to live with Dominic. And Dominic will not go with her back to stay in the other dimension.. so she chooses Zechs?

maybe but I like her and dominic and I feel like I want to give them more of a chance... I'm torn!! Thats why I kinda want to force the issue so its not a choice for her... maybe I should kill off her parents and then somehow that forces her to marry... In the very least it would force her back home for a while

hmm... what if she has to marry by a certain time because of her status? And if she doesn't then she has to live at home or be disowned from the family?

that could definitely work. they can have some other horrible option for her to marry too

I mean.. she is different in the sense that she has a life outside of the district and that it isn't her everything. She could make the choice for herself and try to explain it that way to Dominic. I mean..she did just meet the man.but .. oh Dominic.. oh poor Dominic. ...although she could always try to pass Dominic off as foreign upper class XD

I know I'm torn. SHe likes dominic a lot and doesn't want to give up where things might go but they are still in the having fun stage, neither of them are super attached...