Sliding backwards

It keeps running through my mind, that dark look in Soren’s eyes, so much like Uncle Daemon, and the realization that he wasn't going to stop. Which meant I simply reacted, not with any of my training or magic, but with pure panic. I don’t remember leaving the room; I can barely recall the impression of Jakob appearing in the room.

Things have changed. There is a distance between us now, a combination of my sense of betrayal and Soren’s sense of rejection. I don’t want to reject him, but I’m not like the rest of the men in the family. I don’t have these icy rages and twisted desires to hurt the people I love. It’s not that I don’t forgive Soren, but I can’t just forget what happened. It’s like a constant replay in my head and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I don’t know if things have changed permanently or not. But it’s been over two days since I had a cock down my throat and cum smeared on my face. Thinking about it, I can feel that yearning inside of me, the sniveling little bitch wanting out. I can’t though. That’s not who I want to be and it’s not who Soren needs me to be. The time has come to drag myself out of the hole I’ve been sniveling in, to be someone useful.

Although I hate the word, I serve Soren. More importantly I want him to be happy and to be able to give him something back for everything he has given up for me. Derrik was much better for him than I’ll ever be. It feels like I’ve taken him away from what he needs and trapped him to my side, somewhere he is now clawing to be free of. Fighting to be himself and not the vestige I appear to need him to be.

How do I fight past this? Why can’t I let it go as so many other people have done? Soren doesn’t know and never will, but even being with him, while wonderful in so many ways, makes part of me cringe. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ok having someone else inside of me like that…

I hope Stefan does come for me. At least if he tortures and pushes me and I can hate him with a clear conscious and have no sense of hurt and betrayal. And maybe he can mold me past all of it. Maybe he can give me different demons to fight every night.