May 15th

I’ve been given a brief reprieve from Shun’s torments. He has allowed me to return home to lick the new wounds he inflicted on me. This time was different and so much worse. Waking up naked chained up to his bed I kept the terror and horror of the situation from rising to the surface. Even when he cut the baby out of me, I could keep it together. Fighting back has been how I’ve sustained myself through all these experiences, but this time he find a threat able to make me yield. The threat of placing another one of his spawn in me. Just the thought makes my skin crawl. Living with that over my head, I became compliant. I let him do whatever he wished to me,… I stopped fighting back. This type of giving in feels like the worst kind of sin and a betrayal to myself. It just seems unforgivable despite everyone telling me otherwise.

My heart and spirit feel broken and I seem to be bleeding on the inside. I can stand the physical horrors, but submitting, and allowing this twisted bond to further twist my feelings and emotions, is more than I can bear. Salem has been strong for me, and as much as I tell him about the horrors I’ve faced everything I say fails to convey my depth of… everything. Anger, fear, pain, hate, self-loathing. Sometimes I think the only escape will be death. But even then, I know his soul will follow mine. I am trapped in a nightmare I can’t escape!

Ling and Shenlong gave good advice. Shenlong’s soul piece makes the pull of the bond to Shun a little less persuasive. And Ling… her survival of Nataku gives me hope. Speaking with her about the baby, I realized why my father felt so much pain in our conversation and my use of the word monster. I wasn’t thinking about his background, and rationally what he said is correct. But I can’t move past the trauma that’s occurred. Still in the deep part of me that remains balanced and untouched by Shun’s taint, I know the proper course is to push Shun into giving me the second child, because two would provide a balance. They will not fall prey to their father’s evil. But despite my conviction of knowing this, I may not be able to follow my priestess path.

I do not want this baby. I do not want this bond. I do not want this husband!

This is so very traumatic for her because of how she is so strong. It will be interesting for this child or children.. we have had unwanted kids before.. but I don't think as much as this. The only one comparable would be Caleb.

ya its really hard to say. part of me thinks she will come around to the kids. But I really won't know until they are born. As to if the twins will happen... its totally going to be all about the moment for if she pushes shun and then if she does, what his reaction is