To bleed and be revived

Why is it, I wonder... why is it that these pages have seen only pain, loneliness and strife? It is as if my life was not one to be lived with joy and contentment. It seems that not matter what I do.. I am trapped by these feelings I have. Gwyn is at the very center of these feelings, but I have come to realize that she is truly not the sole cause of my seeming self destruction over the past few years.

I have had ample time to sit and evaluate who I am as a person. I do feel that I can be caring.. but I think I am selfish. I want the love of everyone when I need it, and have almost nothing to give to those I seek out in return. Does this make me a horrible person? I can only speculate and look back and the many bad choices I have made in my life, and how they affected those around me. It seems that love is tinged with poison... the poison of my inner conflicts.

If I could have only one love.. it would be Gwyn. But, she is the one person I can never truly have. This has left a deep wound within my soul and psyche that I feel will never heal. But, I have been able to fully appreciate the love of her Jackass of a husband has for her.. even if I still hate him. Davar is like my shadowy knight, always a step behind me to catch me if I fall, but I cannot rely on him for the rest of my life. He has his own life to live.. and I feel that I can blockade any progress between Sydney and him due to my childish nature.

After mulling over many things.. I have come at last to a decision for myself and my family. I won't say it is a smart choice, and necessity is driving me to do this. I just.. I just hope I can go through with it with no regrets.

I need this. I need something else in my life. Yes. This is selfish. Yes this is cruel. But... I have to do it. I have to stop this bleeding... is it enough to bleed? Is life worth it when you are bleeding to death everyday? God. Here it is again.. this gloomy word vomit.

But, I have to suck it up. I have to get the gall to talk to dad.. I have to be ready to be cruel, to be heartless, and to be the bastard that I am. Maybe its a good thing that my heart has bled to death already...it will help.

now you've got me all intruiged. Is he going to go over to Lorelei or Dorthea? Thats the only thing I can think of that he might be doing...

This has been a long time in coming.. maybe two years real time. I don't know how things will play out..but.. we shall see.

haha oh ok I see be all mysterious! I'll bide my time until Daemon and Dominic talk then...