Laying it to rest

Few words. I have very few words to say even though there should be a mountain's worth. I just.. I can never love again. I cannot allow myself the pain. I cannot lose anyone else.. I hope it is working.. this smile of mine, drinking my mother's potions. I told them the voices stopped.. maybe they believe me.

She hates me utterly.. she was strong, Tessa was. But not strong enough. I could not and should not have put my faith in her being able to withstand everything. It was as if I was a monster.. and I suppose I was.. I know I am.

I will live life.. I cannot run anymore.. even if I feel like I want to.. I know it is a choice I will regret.. and i will lose even more.

I truly think I snapped.. sitting in a river of blood, holding body parts somewhere in the depths of Christopher's home. The voices told me to do it.. said it owuld make things better. Even now they whisper at me... tell me to break the things I hold dear. But I won't listen, I have to keep control.

Smiling works.. even a little brooding. Natural.. that is the way I have to be. I know if it gets bad, Surreal will help me through it again. A woman with no strings attached anywhere except to the men she uses. That is how it should be.. I am a man who is used after all.

I can't bring myself to hate her.. even though she is getting married.. even though.. even though.. NO! I can't talk about her.. the voices stir when I do. It is best if I never see her.. Gwyn.. she was different.. holds a special place in my heart. But Tessa.. I let her in.. I let someone in after so long.. and now.. I just can't anymore.


I have to bury it.. need to keep it out of sight.. so even the voices can't remind me of her.. in many ways.. I regret being found.. maybe my mother had the right idea letting me stay alone as a "human" child. Why does nothing work!? Why can I never find happiness no matter what I do? Why is everything I say and do wrong? Why am I the one who gets shunned for being selfish when everyone else does whatever they fucking want.. no I can't.. I have to stop.. it is not me speaking. I have to lay it to rest.. forever.

Oh dear. poor dominic. I feel like he might be like Rye and Jeremy and require a few restarts.... Man he really is freaking out about Tessa isn;t he? Maybe one day down the road they can talk. Although I don't know if knowing she doesn't hate him would help or not... Let me just say this is exactly why Davar doesn't trust Domiic and him acting like everything is ok. Davar doesn't get it totally or realize quite how bad it is, but he sees who DOminic really is much better than anyone else. Sounds like we might have to have him see Surreal

Yeah.. I am honestly thinking that he is a very broken character.. it is annoying at times since I relaly miss the old him.. but I am not sure if he can be fixed ever T.T

Never say never! we eventually fixed rye and jeremy to a functional level, we can do the same with DOminic, it just might take a while...

I hadn't realized her felt quite so strongly I mean I guess I knew cause of the marriage offer, but she just didn't feel anywhere close to the strongly for him at that point.