Entry number one in D

Hey D,

Sydney here.

Things in life have been getting more complicated, and I thought Gwyn was the one with all the drama. Maybe.. maybe I should have thought more about how things were going to turn out when I got involved with someone who isn't human. But, in the end i love Davar.. and I cannot even imagine one day in my life without him. I know I can suck it up and move on.. just like how I always did and was expected to do with my family.

Gwyn may or may not know this.. but I am so jealous of her all the time. Jealous for her family. She has a mother and a father that dote on her, a brother who adores her, uncles and cousins and members of a court who support her through all these horrible things that have happened to her.. me? I have Trowa.. I could say he is my father. He has taught me all there is to know about fighting, and has let me live my life the way I want.. but he knows I can take care of myself and I never get coddled.. although it would be nice sometimes. Whenever Annica is around, if ever she and I barely talk.. it is like she still treats me like the accident that I was. Heero and Chris and all his kids are my family.. but it is like we don't even know about one another.

I have had to grow up on my own, living the best I can.. and when I met Davar.. it was like the first time anyone had ever taken care of me.. or even thought about me at all.

That's why D, it hurts me so much to hurt him. I don't know why the thins have been happening between Ceriden and I.. I admit.. I used to like him.. but he never even gave a shit about me before.. maybe he feels like I do sometimes.. alone. Maybe that's why I was drawn to him at first.. I was excited fro Gwyn when she found Jakub.. it made me want someone too.. and Ceriden was perfect. He was young, moody and distant.. kinda the type I like.. most likely because of Dad ><

I ended up sleeping with him.. and.. it was so wonderful. he was on fire the whole time.. it made me remember Cyan when I met him and how his presence just burned. It was like I was a moth drawn to his flame.. literally.. that is how I felt. I wonder if Davar will ever forgive me for it? I know I am the younger one in this relationship.. but he was so hurt by women in the past.. and I have already hurt him a bunch.. I just don;t want things to go downhill like they did before.

*sigh* there isn't much I can do about it now.. so I am planning on just living my life like I always do.. smiling, training and being around my friends. I am getting trained in how to use my jewel soon.. which may help me.. I just.. I don't always really like using it.. sometimes it feels funny.. but for Davar and myself I know it is the best thing that I could do.

I should go soon.. I need to sleep. My body still hurts from sleeping with Ceriden.. I just hope I don't see him in my dreams tonight..

Night,

Sydney