Changing Tides

I really... don't know how to even begin this. It has been so long for me since I have even seen the pages of this book to write in, as I was taken away on a journey that has had more bearing on me in this life than many.

Ceriden is at the center of this, and has been in many ways this shadowed center of my life. We grew up together but apart, he was friends with Jakub.. an enemy who I did not trust with Gwynn. Then, he served Lorelai.. who I did not trust with Gwynn either. I never had a good picture of him..he was just the asshole Eyrien who bothered Sydney, and who kept mostly to himself.

That all changed when I hurt him. I barely remember that day.. just the.. the rage. I remember smelling him, and feeling utterly compelled to just destroy him.. to touch him, to let him take my fury. I do not think there will ever be anything I regret more in my life.. I never say it, but I regret what I did to him more than all the horrible things I have done to my sister, my family, Davar, and Derrick.Rape is never acceptable.. it is like a stain that I can never be rid of now on my body.. a taint of evil and indulgence that I allowed into my psyche.

But that changed. When he came for me. This is the end, I thought.. he has come to take me away and kill me. But instead of killing me, he merely wanted to talk. And talking turned into sharing time, sharing time to being comfortable, and being comfortable to sucking my dick. Yes. You may think this is a huge jump. And it is. I have to say it so plainly because what other fucking way can I say it? And may the Darkness be Merciful... he is so good at it. I just want him on me.. I want to touch him, and yet that fear of hurting him was always in the back of my mind.

We lived together for a year across time, and I think both of us grew stronger, more self sufficient. No magic besides basic craft, and only each other to reply on really gives you a different perspective. There is so much more to share about Mulan.. and Greece.. and coming back to the lives of people who just don't and can't understand what happened between us. But I believe it is for the better. That thorn of my sin was rotting me from the inside out.

I tend to forget things, though I never can. They lay dormant in my body, taking over in negative ways as I try to live my life. I really don't have much choice. I can't see or think about Gwynn, I can't try to remember raping Ceriden, I can't think about Davar and Derrick's face when I left them over and over, I can't see the pain in my parent's eyes when I killed myself then forgot, I can't deny that I wish I loved Roslyn more than I do.. that I hoped it would work for us in a different way than it has, all I can do is live.

I am back in time again.. with Gwynn. I worry about her.. she is used to a safe network of people.. but here there is us and that is it. We have hardly any magic, and she cannot defend herself. If I lose her here.. I don't know what I will do. I have to be careful to not indulge.. it has already been hell for me. Knowing she is alone and hurting? Even more of a hell than I can bear. All I can do is hope this time journey will also be for the better like it was for Ceriden and I. Who knows how long we will be here this time? Time heals they say.. maybe this time.. and I really do hope.. they are going to be right.

Oh Dominic. I'm glad he really is healing about what happened with ceriden. Both of them are Also it's good to see him at least try and be optimistic about being in China with Gwynn. I suspect for time to maybe help they'd have to be there a long time...