Split Wide Open

I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions. Returning from the life as another version of myself, I have a different personality in my head influencing my actions. But suddenly its not just this other Ceridan's voice affecting me, instead I feel pulled to and from all sorts of directions. Suddenly Soren is... suddenly hes not just my girly brother that I tease and give a hard time. Soren has always been there for me when it counted, has always had my back. And suddenly I crave him.

At first, waking up naked with him was disjointing. The other Ceridan and I were both confused, not sure how we felt what we wanted. For all that I make fun of Soren for being gay, I love him and I've never been bothered by his preference. But to suddenly feel attracted to him... it was disturbing. At first it was strange but resistible. Then suddenly it was just an overwhelming need. A craving for his scent, to be wrapped up in it. A compulsive need to be possessed and used. Even now I shiver when I think about it, and I feel myself craving him.

I- I finally understand why dad and everyone else talks about serving, if this is what it feels like. But I don't think this is what other people feel like. The intensity of it all scares me, the thoughts that run through my head. I don't understand this craving to be possessed, to be... to be a vessel for his pleasure. I'm not gay. But suddenly around Soren I feel out of control. It scares me what will happen in the future. Terrifys me that he might... that we might... I don't want that. I don't! But around him I think about it, and I act so different... I don't know what I might do. I trust Soren and I know he wouldn't hurt me but... he doesn't know. He doesn't understand what its like.

Last night I woke up in a cold sweat, like every other night. I could taste the blood in my mouth from keeping quite. It took everything I have to not go to him, to resist the urge. I am not weak. I-I don't need to have someone next to me. But Soren makes me feel so safe. I told him, when he asked me what he smelled like that he smelled safe. Which is true, but I didn't tell him he also smells like home, and happiness and...

Even putting this on paper is a strain, its soo hard to express what I don't understand, difficult to voice the fears in my head and the yearns in my body. Dad always knows how to push my buttons. He doesn't understand. I don't care what experiences hes had, but he just doesn't understand. He expects me to just move on, to not remember Lorelei's betrayal and how she just left me there. He's never had his family, the people who are supposed to keep him safe, side against him. Nobody, nobody cared what he did to me, except Soren. I know Mom would have too, but we've all kept it from her. But everyone else, they talk about poor Dominic. Dad visits him and eats with him and... how can he pick a rapist over me?

I guess its because I'm so average and unmotivated in life. Since I don't excel at something, I'm just not worth the time. Dad just doesn't understand. How can I move on? I'll never be safe while hes around, I can't feel safe. Except with Soren, Soren is safe. I don't want to need him, but-

God I'm more of a girl than Soren, the way I can't stop the tears leaking out of my eyes. I don't want everyone to pity me, I don't want them to know what happened. How weak I am. I liked the other me, who didn't have the shroud of fear over his life.

As much as I don't know what to do and as much as these changes with Soren confuse and scare me, I know I'll end up giving in. Maybe its because his power eclipse mine and everyone elses so much. Maybe its because hes something beyond a king. But as much as I trust him, and crave him, I... I don't want that. And I know he does, at least a part of him does. Even worse, I know in the moment I would want it too. That I would lay myself out open and wanting, craving him possession. Part of me is horrified I went down on him like that. That I had such a single minded intensity about getting his cock in my mouth. Then the taste of his essence on my lips and the sensation of him inside of me and on my face. I-- I loved it. I didn't want to wash off the scent. I loved knowing a part of him was in me, making me his. Even now thinking about it, I want it again. I want it so badly.

I can only imagine what Dad will think of me when he finds out. Jeweled men as supposed to possess, not crave being possessed. God, I just... I don;t even know what I think and feel anymore. I just what Soren to use me as he sees fit. somehow when he asks I can't get the words out. I just crave his direction, to please him, to do something for him. Thats where the blowjob idea originated, but now that I've tasted him. I want more.

Whats wrong with me? Soren's my brother and my best friend. I know he doesn't want me, I know hes feeling the residual Soren just like I'm feeling the residual Ceridan. I can't stop touching the shadow ring he gave me. Helping remind myself that his mark is still on me even though I can't smell his cum on me anymore. God what's happening to me?