The unspeakable

I feel more attuned to Lucivar’s presence than ever before. I have an awareness of where he is at all times, how many steps away he is. Everything that happened with Lucifer was so horrible. I’ve never – I’ve never been brutalized like that. And to know that Lucivar wouldn’t come, after what I’d done and stupidly agreed to… my body wasn’t the only part of me bleeding in the end.

God it was bad enough that even Lucifer apologized and he meant it. I am just so thankful he didn’t get me pregnant. Lucifer knows me too well, he knows I couldn’t harm a child inside me. Especially after all the recent losses. But I do choose Lucivar, I will always choose him despite the strife between us. No matter what happens, he is my husband. I’m not a very good wife, constantly causing him so much pain, being drawn to men I need to stay away from. The worst is that I seem to have no way to explain the thing that lays between Lucifer and me. That saying yes, isn’t always saying yes. I’ve learned to be supple and bend in the wind, or else I would be broken beyond repair right now. I know it hurts him, cuts him to his soul, but I can’t deal with things any other way. Lucifer proved that to me.

Fighting is dangerous. And I don’t know if I could endure something like this again. I – I still feel his eyes on me, can remember where his hands bruised me. When I open my mouth to tell Lucivar, I just can’t get the words out. I need him to forgive me for it, I need him to believe me! I can’t – I wouldn’t…

I’ve never meant to hurt him…

poor Mei.. she really is the epitome of a Chinese woman. Trying to bend and be flexible for others while forgetting about herself. In the end she takes on the most pain, even though she feels she has hurt other more. I think the long gap of time without her and Lucifer talkign really made him extra volitile with her this time.. she and Lucivar will have to talk more about it.. since he tends to shut down the topic because of how it hurts him.. but she needs the talk.

yes they do need to talk about it more. I think Daemon and Lucivar should talk some before perhaps. Cause hes still got to be mad deep down.

I also have been finding it interesting to see the switch for Mei between being around her kids versus people she'll be more vulnerabel