What has gone wrong with my life? I ask myself this everyday. LeiLei is still away.. and I have left Syn's home to stay with Cyan and Caleb. The King is finally gone.. but the mark left on my life remains. I can never undo what was done to me.. I cannot bring innocence back to my daughter, I cannot abandon Cyan.
Cyan.
Cyan.
Cyan.
My life is full of him now. Something though is.. forever changed. After seeing him with Serenity, I understand the dark magnitude of his power.. and I saw him for the first time as a man not as a person I care for but as who he is.. a male. It scared me. I never thought of him in that light before.. but part of me wanted to reach out and touch him to trace the lines of his arms, and have him hold me and keep me close, telling me things would be ok. Caleb bit me recently.. it felt.. strange.. it felt wonderful, but it feels weird to express pleasure like that in front of him and Cyan. It fells like a line will be crossed which I can never step back over.
I am scared. I am scared at what Cyan has become.. I am scared that I need to change to help him.. I am afraid of the looks he has been giving me lately.. where did we go? He and I? What are we? I do not know a word that describes someone more treasured than a sibling, deeper loved than a lover..if there were such a word.. that is what he would be.
But, I feel safe. I feel that I need to be with him and Caleb.. they are my family now in this time without LeiLei.. and will protect me from Syn while I protect him from Cyan. I am free form the chains Syn put me in.. but for how long?