Stardate 2036.9.24

It feels as if I have awakened from a deep slumber. My life had been predictable, easy, flawless, efficient. Now.. it is unpredictable, difficult, far from flawless and under efficient. But, I do not hold these truths to be negative in any shape or form.

I have spent many years atoning for my sins to my family, to my son and my long lost ex-wife Lucrecia. Time does change people, but it does not always allow room for forgiveness. After a mission with Tessa playing "house" we could say, I realized I had truly come to not only see her as a friend, as family but as a young woman who I had come to love deeply. I think she was truly a balm for me in my past when I had lost everything. She never judged my character, did not have expectations of me as The White Lightening. I was merely her Zechs, someone who she trusted.

I never had that in my life, even with Lucriecia. I think, though the two of us were deeply in love, that our pasts will still breathing down our necks. We were too much the military leaders we had been but weeks ago before diving into a marriage riddled with love, passion and lust. It was too soon, and having a child during that period when we both were trying to forget, trying to alter our own pathways in life was selfish of us. It turned me into a monster, her into a Fury and our son into a bitter man who can never look back on his past with joy.

I want to be a better man.. but still feel lost. There always seems to be this inner voice telling me to make choices. A deeper part of myself long forgotten .. or so I had hoped. I can never seem to let go of my past in certain ways.. I still work with Treize on a most horrid project, and have made choices that are hurting my family yet again. I am not informed of all that is going on around me.. and yet.. my love for Tessa has made me do stupid things, hurt people who I never imagined would be in a cross fire. I only have myself to blame for this. I just hope that she comes out of this situation unscathed. Dominic really hurt her deeply, a wound is left for me to try and tend.. and all I have done is throw salt upon it.

But I love this young woman, she is my soul, I feel like we belong together.. I feel like we can make a new start. She carries our child, a child who brings hope into both of our lives. Just married.. we were only just married before Daemon came knocking upon our door. This is why I have been working with Treize. This world of his, their so called "realm" is not a place that should have overlapped with ours, and now they are entrenching themselves and their laws, their society upon us populace, some of whom have no idea they exists.

The winner district folk may see it as a normal occurrence, but that is what is called Brain washing. It is unnatural, and I will do my best to put a stop to it. No one can live freely and happily in tht place anymore, and I refuse to set my wife in their slimy grip to make them happy, to atone for something I have been atoning for for years.

Yes.. the pain was indescribable.. the moment Daemon showed me how much Jeremy and Rye hurt when they lose one of each other. But.. does he not think I have felt pain like that everyday since losing my family?

I can never go back.. but I can move forward. I have to speak to SYn about fixing this problem, and if he won't fix it.. then there are other ways to figure out what I need to do.

I must protect Tessa, and I must protect our child.

awwww hes all protective and anti the jeweled realm. We will definitely have to go to him and Syn talking. Oh and I think we should do some of this and then try to go back tot he Chinese, I can't do a lot with Syn without dragging that plot back in. Besides I want to do stuff with Salem and Rosalyn and that will natureally lead to Serenity in some ways. We are going to have to decide whats been happending to the girls while we've left them there...