It feels like I have no sense of time. I have been pushed, pulled and placed in darkness with nothing but pain and a numb feeling in my mind off and on for the past few weeks. But, what my body has gone through is nothing compared to the horrors Serenity had to face. I cannot even imagine her pain right now, especially with a child growing inside of her who was fathered by the person she hates the most.
I am being as supportive as I can.. and I did not lie when I told her if she cannot get rid of it that I would raise it as my own. Hearing her say she had never wanted children.. it made me reevaluate the position we are in in our lives. We are not young anymore, and it would not have been strange for us to consider having children, and like her, I never thought about having children. However, I have not written them completely off the board of options as of yet.
I want to be there for her, to help her heal as much as she can.. but it is maddening to see her struggle and not be able to feel her with our link which has been severed. Instead I feel pulled and drawn to Roslyn. I don't want to hurt the girl.. but I am pulled unwittingly closer to her.. and I may make choices in the end that will hurt both of us..and maybe even Serenity, but I cannot help it. I am at my wits end emotionally right now and have decided to not fight anything but to just fucking go with the flow.
I know who I love, and I know what I want. I want Serenity and I to be happy together,to finally marry and begin to live our lives as a couple joined as one. I don't need to be a soulmate of hers to love her, and in fact.. this whole situation, as horrific as it is, has proven to me that even without magical bonds, nothing can come between me and her.
I will overcome all of this. My own emotional unease, my confusion in regards to Roslyn and my loyalty to Serenity will not waver. I will do what she needs,what she wants. She may never truly understand how much she means tome, how I am her willing slave.. how all she has to do is ask...