September 30th THE BEGINNING

I don't think.. I have any words to really talk about how I feel right now. It is.. just too overwhelming.

I managed to smile in front of Derrick.. and to relax around Lee and Sylar.. I even smiled for Christopher. But.. I don't know what to do.

I am beyond happy. There is no denying that. I have always wanted something between Chris and I.. since I was a little girl.. he was always in my imaginary tea parties as the guest of honor. As I grew, he was the name I scribbled in notebooks with cheesy pictures of hearts and wings around it. Then he was in my first dreams where kisses through the mental fog of the unknown prevented me from solidifying my desires.

And then.. it was a rush. One day I felt like we could never be apart. I had to see him. Had to touch him.. and yet mom and dad wouldn't let me.. I was told I had to stay away.. but no one would tell me why.

I know now.. some of that truth. I still believe Chris hid his feelings.. held his true nature back in front of me so I wouldn't break. It was honestly enough to see twelve innocent.. or hopefully men guilty of something die under his fists. Clawing, growling, laughing, ripping, shredding, breaking, strangling.. I saw all manner of death that a pair of hands can inflict upon someone without so much as a respite or word of silence for the gallant sacrifice made for my understanding.

I understand now why my mother was adamant.. she saw what he was like.. what he could be like if things did not go as planned.

I still love him. Nothing can change that. But.. I am afraid of him all at once.. afraid of how intensely he loves me.. and how intensely I love him. He would kill for me.. destroy.. that type of love that seems utterly blind to anything around it. I have not been so deeply in love with him.. before. Now all too much I realize how much I need and want him.. Gods.. he has felt this way since I played dolls with him..

But What will become of us now? I have Derrick.. if you could call it having. And he has my father. Why can we love like this.. but never be together? What is stopping us?

Am I too afraid of inuring his wrath for jealousy and possessiveness? Of hurting him like I did before?

The brand on my neck is proof of our connection.. one I asked for. I knew he needed it more than I did.. but I wanted it just as much.

I am still muddled. I am lost in joy, I want to see him again already.. and yet.. I feel like every time I see him.. I lose myself. I become the Lilly that will do anything for him.. regardless of the consequences for me and Sylar.. me and Derrick. I don't reject him because I hate him.. I am afraid of losing myself..so completely.. that I run again. That I am unable to keep going forward on these tender legs that have been holding me up.

This brand has given me strength, but weakened me just as much. I am happy and sad.. excited and afraid. If I am not careful.. the world could fall at my feet because of Christopher. But how do I love a man who loves me so utterly that the world can mean nothing to him if I am not in it?

I feel like such a child.. just afraid.. and hungry for him.. I want to love him like I feel I should. I want to be with him.. but.. I cant. ANd Derrick.. Gods Derrick.. is he really ok with this? I have a lot to think about.. and alot to celebrate.

I love you Christopher.. in the end..above all..I love you..

Awwww ya there is so much turmoil around it. Because it really does consume lily and Chris when they are together