Coping Mechanisms

Soren has been gone for ten days now.

It’s been enough time for me to relearn how to hide everything again. Raven and Dominic have been great hosts, I’ve learned a lot about Chinese magic just in the few days I’ve been here. I force myself to talk with them, to interact. But I’ve realized that training isn’t the only way I can make myself better… I have lots of areas for self-improvement.

Every night I leave the room they gave me and go to my place in the forest. Tucked away and hidden, it gives me what I need; a place to grieve, scream and cry without anyone who can hear me. It’s not much really, just a lean-to with a cot. I covered it in Soren’s clothes so I could sleep at night, but his scent has faded. Thankfully I found something that helps. When I bleed from the ring, my blood picks up his scent and I can almost pretend he’s here. And it’s a fine enough scar that no one will notice, I just reopen the same one over and over again.

I’m such a pathetic mess. My clothes are looser and it feels like the colors just bled out of the world. I miss him. I can feel the need clawing up my throat sometimes, choking me. Then somehow yesterday, after all the tears had run out for that night, I found myself in some city in China. In a gay bar. Sucking a cock while the guy had his hands fisted in my hair, his voice cooing in my ear telling me what to do. It was disgusting, terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. And in that instance, for a moment, the weight felt a little less unbearable and I could pretend it was Soren.

I feel dirty and violated washing the scent of another man off of me. I feel sick, even after vomiting, because I don’t have the strength to fight this new compulsion. And at least I can learn to give Soren everything he wants if he ever comes back. There’s no reason I can’t overcome what Dominic did to me. When he left, I said I would work to become stronger. So now I can train by day and night. Sleep would just be filled with nightmares anyways…